A court session was held in camera at a local restaurant last night. The prosecutor, Mr Unsworth brought a number of felonies to my attention and I, as judge, had to give out appropriate sanctions. There was, of course, a defence attorney, Mr Seymour, but in all cases he could not adequately defend the perpetrators for their heinous crimes on tour. In fact, on a number of cases, he thought it appropriate that the court severely punish the defendant in an attempt to get the individual back on the straight and narrow.
James D-C was first in the dock for uncontrolled hair. He was given hair wax and told to ensure that, whilst in “Number Ones”, his hair was under control at all times. Ross R had, apparently, eaten a “dodgy” curry the night before which had made him sick. The court came up with an age-old remedy of onion with Tabasco. Ross is feeling a lot better today. James B was accused of wearing an earring whilst in uniform. The court decided that if he wanted to look like a girl he should wear a prettier earring and produced a very attractive clip-on item to be worn with his uniform. A similar earring was produced for Henry K after the court found small round holes in the defendant’s ear lobe. The prosecutor alleged that Craig H had worn underpants to walk up Table Mountain. The court was provided with evidence and refused to accept that the lycra garments should be worn without additional clothing. In addition the court found that the garments in question left little to anyone’s imagination and therefore sentenced the defendant to use a sweet potato to enhance the defendant’s reputation. At this stage there was some disturbance in the court which I had to deal with by use of the South African judicial method of making the heckler bite a chilli pepper dipped in peri-peri sauce. This worked extremely well as those who had spoken out of turn could now not talk at all.
James W was next in the dock accused of leaving the rugby game without the coach’s permission. This was an open and shut case and the defendant was given some baby food to supplement his nutrition as he was finding solid foods, following his mouth injury, difficult to masticate. Sam Q was next accused of spending a disproportionate amount of time on his hair. The court produced a pink Alice band to assist the defendant who was told that it must be worn with his uniform. Tom W was found guilty of wearing inappropriate lime green socks. The court produced some black nylon pop socks for the defendant to wear with his uniform. Alex H was found guilty of careless behaviour over personal possessions and was ordered to wear purple sunglasses whenever he was in uniform. Rory O’C was accused of poor balance. Evidence was put forward which clearly proved that the defendant had slipped over and landed on his coccyx when no-one was in the vicinity. The court granted leniency and produced some “bum cream” which will be used to massage the damaged area when appropriate.
Court was adjourned for the evening with further cases pending. One particularly nasty allegation brought to my attention for the next court session was that Elliot Q had worn a mankini whilst on the summit of Table Mountain. The court granted the defence time to prepare.
James D-C was first in the dock for uncontrolled hair. He was given hair wax and told to ensure that, whilst in “Number Ones”, his hair was under control at all times. Ross R had, apparently, eaten a “dodgy” curry the night before which had made him sick. The court came up with an age-old remedy of onion with Tabasco. Ross is feeling a lot better today. James B was accused of wearing an earring whilst in uniform. The court decided that if he wanted to look like a girl he should wear a prettier earring and produced a very attractive clip-on item to be worn with his uniform. A similar earring was produced for Henry K after the court found small round holes in the defendant’s ear lobe. The prosecutor alleged that Craig H had worn underpants to walk up Table Mountain. The court was provided with evidence and refused to accept that the lycra garments should be worn without additional clothing. In addition the court found that the garments in question left little to anyone’s imagination and therefore sentenced the defendant to use a sweet potato to enhance the defendant’s reputation. At this stage there was some disturbance in the court which I had to deal with by use of the South African judicial method of making the heckler bite a chilli pepper dipped in peri-peri sauce. This worked extremely well as those who had spoken out of turn could now not talk at all.
James W was next in the dock accused of leaving the rugby game without the coach’s permission. This was an open and shut case and the defendant was given some baby food to supplement his nutrition as he was finding solid foods, following his mouth injury, difficult to masticate. Sam Q was next accused of spending a disproportionate amount of time on his hair. The court produced a pink Alice band to assist the defendant who was told that it must be worn with his uniform. Tom W was found guilty of wearing inappropriate lime green socks. The court produced some black nylon pop socks for the defendant to wear with his uniform. Alex H was found guilty of careless behaviour over personal possessions and was ordered to wear purple sunglasses whenever he was in uniform. Rory O’C was accused of poor balance. Evidence was put forward which clearly proved that the defendant had slipped over and landed on his coccyx when no-one was in the vicinity. The court granted leniency and produced some “bum cream” which will be used to massage the damaged area when appropriate.
Court was adjourned for the evening with further cases pending. One particularly nasty allegation brought to my attention for the next court session was that Elliot Q had worn a mankini whilst on the summit of Table Mountain. The court granted the defence time to prepare.
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